The madness of me

where I stand with my madness

2010-10-29T19:23:00.002-04:00

How can people ruin your life and then go on and live happy lives? How is this fair... How is it that 3 weeks went by and I have been tortured and haressed because of this group of people and I lost so many friends but yet they can still live a happy life? How is the pain they have caused me not eating at them? When if I did it to them I would feel so bad!! How can I be called a liar when I'm telling the truth!! How can so many believe this one person but not look at me and know I'm telling the truth!!! How is this fair!!! Why am I always fucking fighting for everything in life and they are always having fun and ruining others to do it!!! YOu were wrong!! you destroyed me and you go off with your lying girlfriend and lying friends and you run your mouth about me! they tell me they all tell me what she has said what you have how could you I told you the truth how could you do this to me....

No one will forget......

2010-10-03T18:12:00.003-04:00

“There comes a time when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. So you’d better learn the sound of it. Otherwise you’ll never understand what it’s saying.”

My world is so silent right now...it's like somebody said hush and the whole world listened. To many thoughts go threw my head...To many hurts go threw my cells, You do the same things, you never remember what I did, just always what I have done to you in a bad way...When this happens you forget what you have done...Always I am on trial while you get to forget what you've done to me...I have guilt and that's not fair....Where is your guilt my friend...where is it?

Take one day at a time you say...Ha ha you are not my mate or lover.. You were a friend, and you betrayed me time and time again...I'm taking this time I'm taking this one day at a time to become stronger and not let you reach inside of me again and take everything that is me!

but I let you..that's the thing I know this I let you do this to me!!

2010-09-16T18:27:00.002-04:00

She stepped into her house and closed the door to darkness. There was no warmth in her house it disappeared along time ago.

She flicked on the light and looked around at the untidiness that consumed her being. Most wouldn't say she was dirty, but she loved her apartment lived in. Stacks of comic books and paper books filled many corners . Half smoked cigarettes over flowed in the 1970 ashtray. She threw her keys on the couch and stepped out of her work shoes. the saying "my feet are barking " ran threw her head. She never understood that.

35 minutes later she stepped out of the shower and put on her bathrobe and stepped out in the little hallway and listened to the sounds , there was nothing. She sighed and walked into the kitchen.

She started making dinner and her phone vibrated on the table, she sighed and read it . An invite to run out for drinks. she closed the phone and set it down.While she made dinner the phone went off 5 more times and each message was different but still an invite for some drinks and each time she placed the phone down and ignored the text.

After dinner she sat with a bottle of wine and a full pack of smokes and just listened to her thoughts in her head as she twirled the smoke around her tongue like a lovers kiss.

Her phone went off again and she closed her mind and closed her eyes off from the noise. A tear escaped and she swatted it away like annoying bug. Scolding herself for letting it happen.

she wished she did not have to wait around she wished she just knew what was going on, all she had was herself, even though she put everyone before herself, This was and will be her down fall. She remembers a time not so long ago a week maybe days when she had a smile and she was controled yes but even know he is still controlling her. They were all suppose to be in this together a line was drawn and her destriction was coming.

A text came again

She felt dead inside because of them dead, but she let them

She stumbled to bed in a drunkin haze dragging her feet across the cold unfeeling floor. Tomorrow will be better she thought ....

it had to be

big nothing

2010-03-17T00:09:00.000-04:00

A big blog of nothing,

For once I would like someone to come up to me and ask me How I"m doing...... I think this is the biggest thing I wish for.
A big blog of nothing
the big thing is ... Is that I feel like nothing and it's a horrible feeling, I hope I've never made anyone feel this way.

A month ago my BFF was killed and she will not be in this life anymore, her daughter will grow up with out a mother and father, Because her father killed my best friend. I feel selfish for being sad , I feel bad for being mad that my "friends' here don't ask if I"m ok. But really it does it matter if I'm okay right? Because there's a 7 year old with out a mother

My one "friend" needs help paying fines or he's going to jail. I've been to jail and It's not a cool place. I told him I would help him. I can't pay my rent,,but since I told him I would help him, he's talked to me every day.and he acts so interested in what I have to say. I use to talk to my bff every day. I miss her and I'm so lonely

My other "friend" use to tell me his life story, use to love how easy I was to talk to, use to search out my conversations. Now he forgets to return my texts, emails, phone calls, and acts like he does it know me. Actually he's said that, "you and I don't know each other" I asked him if something happen if I said something wrong and he tells me he's just busy. He forgets when I invite him to do things to let me know if he's going.

My other "friend" who I use to talk to all the time as well and said I was a cool ass chick, just stopped as well as returning emails ect.... When asked ... because I'm honest... I was told that my grammar and spelling is really hard to understand what I'm trying to get across. When we do talk every know and then it's about what he's going threw, and if I mention something about me or whatever, it gets completely ignored. Hence the big nothing blog.

I just want to be myself again because of all this I get really insecure when it comes to them.

I just want to stop feeling this way, I want to be that cool ass chick that everyone else thinks I am and I know I am but I can't stop this yuck insecurity that I have . I just want some one I can talk to....

Pathetic huh ?

No name

2010-03-15T13:52:00.000-04:00

It finally stopped raining, though it's still gloomy and dark out. I wish the sun would just come out and spring would just get here!!!

I want these they are so cute:

are they not the cutest thing ever!!!

My new advice I'm following :

I hate my hair I can't do anything with it!!! It's a shag and I loved it when I first got it but I can't style it. sigh
I got it cut a week ago today. sigh,

Artwork for today :

Brian M.Viveros check him out and he has a Fan page on facebook.

Today I'm working on trying to weed out those users that some how I let in my life. Who's fault is this of course mine. I feel that I lost myself

knees are so much better today... I feel happy about that

well hope everyone else is well

it's just me with a different face

2010-02-14T14:18:00.002-05:00

The "it" group thinks I'm someone else with a different face, it's still my personality and my same sense of humor but I have a different face.

A face that is prettier more pleasing to look at and pretend that I could be their girlfriend or wet dream.

they tell me that I have a really great personality and I'm so down to earth but when I'm just me with out that pretty face they don't talk to me.

when we all go out and I go out as me I do make them laugh, they give me high five and tell me I"m awesome and I'm great at talking to about there problems .

but when I go home I see the messages from the same "it" group telling my pretty self that they wished I was there that night and they will spend the whole night talking to my pretty self and again I will make them laugh .

being myself with a different face Proves to me that People are shallow, I get Jealous of my different face because she is gorgeous and get's more respect for that..

with a different face I'm the perfect girl

Dealing with the bad choices

2010-01-22T15:24:00.002-05:00

I stood at my front door at 4 am with my crutch in one hand, holding it like a weapon . My other hand had my phone in it. I placed all my weight on my good knee and cracked my toes on my right leg trying to find a comfortable way to hold it.

The girl upstairs was screaming. I jumped and clenched the crutches harder as the male voice screamed again To get the fuck out , over and over again he said this as the girl screamed.

What do I do?

call the cops?
Let them go at it was he killing her. I froze in fear and not wanting to bother or really get in anyone's life. Shame on me for this.

My upstairs Neighbors were robed beat up pretty badly and was robbed and I stood in my apartment with a busted knee and did nothing. Why is this? I put myself in situations were I threw myself in things I shouldn't have why didn't I call the police? Why didn't I run upstairs and hit these stupid fucks with my crutch? Why did I think the worst Of my neighbor when he was nothing but loving to his girl and nice to me? Why did I think the worse of him and kept my mouth shut and didn't do anything?

How can I bitch about society and I've become like everyone else!! This disappoints me. I know myself, I've done mistakes in the past and I always understood them but this, this I don't get . Why would I stand around and not do anything? Even if he was hurting her why wouldn't I help?

I do know that it's over with, and I can't change or I had no control over it but I just got a glimpse of myself and I really don't like it.

The Sea of Destruction

2009-12-20T15:03:00.002-05:00

I dreamt of a sea, that was so angry and hateful to mankind. It's dark black waters stood high in the sky's and no human could have their beach houses anymore. Most were destroyed and others rotted away.

The sands were a soft pink from the death waters. Sea life that could not survive in these water were spit out their blood mixing with the grimy sand. the stench of death and decay filled the sea air. The gulls flew over the waters they were all gone.

In the begining the people were amazed at this water and the strange creatures she would lay on the shores, Colorful shells that we as humans never thought were possiable, giant rotting starfish and other fish.

But for every "present" she left on her shores, a child a dog would be taken swallowed whole. never to be seen again.

I stood and watched the waves crashing the water's so dark it looked like black ink. Wails of hatred came from her. I was just beyond her reach. I remember in my dream I stood there with my arms crossed and my hair whipping in front of me from the wind and I stared calmly at this Sea of Destruction . I had no fear, For her. I was only curious.

Her waters came closer and I could feel the coldness from it. She let out a horrible scream as I just stood there calm.....

I then woke up, the dream even now is so vivid to me

I.....

2009-12-07T01:42:00.002-05:00

I hate how dramatic my life is. Whiskey can not dull the pain away. I sit at the bar feeling this pain.

sounds happen all around me and my friends sound like flies buzzing in my ears

I don't truly understand what they are saying to me. I just laugh and it's a echo of my self.

They can't tell the different.

My friend is going to Jail for 5 years, For killing his best friend in a car accident. His mind is gone he cant even add two plus two together. He's so child like. He does it remember me. Someone that would stay up hours and talk to him about everything before the accident. Now I'm not even a memory to him I"m nothing.

The only time I feel like I"m in control is when Im fucking. Making the man wither underneath me feeling so powerful when he calls out my name. This is sad to me

This is not my best Just right now I don't care

A silent life

2009-10-21T20:52:00.003-04:00

She stepped into her house and closed the door to darkness. There was no warmth in her house it disappeared along time ago.

She flicked on the light and looked around at the untidiness that consumed her being. Most wouldn't say she was dirty, but she loved her apartment lived in. Stacks of comic books and paper books filled many corners . Half smoked cigarettes over flowed in the 1970 ashtray. She threw her keys on the couch and stepped out of her work shoes. the saying "my feet are barking " ran threw her head. She never understood that.

35 minutes later she stepped out of the shower and put on her bathrobe and stepped out in the little hallway and listened to the sounds , there was nothing. She sighed and walked into the kitchen.

She started making dinner and her phone vibrated on the table, she sighed and read it . An invite to run out for drinks. she closed the phone and set it down.While she made dinner the phone went off 5 more times and each message was different but still an invite for some drinks and each time she placed the phone down and ignored the text.

After dinner she sat with a bottle of wine and a full pack of smokes and just listened to her thoughts in her head as she twirled the smoke around her tongue like a lovers kiss.

Her phone went off again and she closed her mind and closed her eyes off from the noise. A tear escaped and she swatted it away like annoying bug. Scolding herself for letting it happen.

She stumbled to bed in a drunkin haze dragging her feet across the cold unfeeling floor. Tomorrow will be better she thought ....

it had to be

This time around.....

2009-10-11T23:19:00.002-04:00

I thought it was going to be different, there was a softness about you, you still had your hatred, but mostly you were nice and soft to me.

You told me you were proud of me I seemed so strong and wise after these 4 years of apart. I still drove you nuts and you couldn't think straight when It came to me.

I told you I respected you and your choice I never wanted to cause any heartache for you, you were so angry when I told you about the child, but we seemed to have grown past that.

I love this side of you, that side that you break your walls down and let me in.....

and then I found the truth...

The same day you told me you were proud of me you told your family members and friends I was crazy, it got to the point that my dear friend who just wanted to have friends in the New York City that she moved to was shun from their group, because you told them these lies about me.

I don't know what to say to this, I feel like a idiot and I feel like I need to apologize for you to my friend, who got her feelings hurt as well because they trashed her , you didn't just ruin me , you ruin her as well, someone you don't know, or I guess you didn't know me at all

You told me you did and always will care for me, and I believed you....

I"m sad and I don't know what to do with or how to approach this

Jan 26, ( old Journal Post)

2009-09-20T02:06:00.002-04:00

I held my baby for the last time, he's body was still warm from the lights, though his heart stopped beating. His hair was blond and his skin was dark again from the lights. There was this unbelievable pain that just consumes my whole body, words can not describe this kinda pain.

He was a little man, born too early and he fought for 9 days, intill he just gave up, I love him even though he was not complete. He was mine and only mine. My family can't look at me with there Judging eyes disappointment etched in there frames of life ....

I knew him and touched him for 9 days, his father has no clue that he was even born, he walked away from me weeks ago, but really walked away months ago, Psycho he called me with a spit in a face and a fuck you.

Even know as I write this a lump is in my throat and burning sensation in my heart . My baby, Mine....

and life just keeps going but not for my baby my baby boy

I heart Chaos......

2009-09-07T19:21:00.003-04:00

I think a lot of people think this photo represents me.I'm here to say that it does it. Lately I've been hearing a lot of People saying. " Heather you need to let the past go", " Heather why do you dwell on the pain of things" and so on and so on and so on.... Oh and my favorite " Well I don't know why you post online about your whole life, you must need attention"

lol the last one does make me laugh because if you truly know me I'm always hiding in the corner somewhere because I don't want attention. Why do I write my thoughts and feelings in blogs. Cause I need to get it out of me. It's really simple, I don't have anyone to talk to here in the real world. My choice or my friends choices but that does it matter.

Letting go of the past.....
I wish I could, really I want to. That is a dream and a goal that I want so bad in my life I can taste it. I never have the chance though, I need to learn to stop having people call the shots on how they make me feel, or how I keep asking Why me. I know this is from me, I just don't know how to put a stop to it.

I'm not angry that people say these things ( about letting the past go) it would be cool if you all could tell me how to do it. lol because I'm clue less when it comes to it.

I have so many Questions on things in life and why things happen. I guess it's something that I have to figure out on my own. I 'm just tired though. So where do I go from here. How do I change this in myself?

72 hours

2009-08-21T23:32:00.002-04:00

For the past 72 hours I have been slowly been poisoning myself, with thoughts of the past.

My past memory's are the new spikes in my new drinks, called hatred and loneliness . I parked my ass in front of the computer and just waited for the messages that made me happy but still killed me inside, a little each time.

The ugliness rolled around in my mouth like acid, no one could take me away not even my best friend. Who invites to come to the bar and spend my time with my friends who miss me much, but will never leave there skins behind the filth of that little bar, during the day they are not there, but the scent of there shadows still sat in the very chairs that they will always sit..

Boredom to me.... There perfect drug for them...............

I have made many transformations in my life such a short life starting out as nothing then in the middle becaming a killer animal , ripping the flesh out of there souls, and then in the end I will be nothing. My prime past me by with a blink of a cockroach eye. being a punching bag, a fuck hole and a something to probe at, giving life and taking it with a laugh and a quick told you so.

All I have to offer is small kindness, a cup of coffee, a smoke and some humor , it gets me by.

I moved my possessions around my place of living to make the time go faster, I pretended to like the home life , just I didn't have to get suck into hell again. To that place that consumed the every ounce of my being.......

My friends were the demons of there own little Hell not seeing what they have turned into, always bitching , and screwing each other, whispering behind each other's back and acting shocked when they find out the've been betrayed.

So 72 hours have passed ,

and my life is still harder then before

June 8

2009-08-13T16:02:00.004-04:00

* I'm going back to the old Journals , I'm not sure if I'm going to continue my Dark Secret .. Not sure if I'm ready to share.**

Jen was a delicate dyed red head, her eyes were a little to big for a Pixie like face actually making her look like those Japaneses cartoons. She always had these blisters on the corner of her chapped lips. Her little tongue always licking her lips.

It was kinda mesmerizing in a sick, sick disgusting way. We would be talking and her tongue would just slip out and quickly lick the corner of her mouth. Almost like she was checking to see if it was still there. I would be distracted while she spoke and licked .

Jen was a manic depressive, who had a thing for port-a-johns, and smelly abusive boyfriends. Jen was also a Heroin addict.
She never Shoot it up she only snorted the stuff China white it was called, she said it was like the first snow of the winter. I never got that. Jen was odd, vulgar and funny, she was very delightful.

Last night we actually lost Jen for 2 hours in the city, we found her on 1st and 18th naked and claiming she was the messiah here to fight the zombie plagued world. There was it a scratch on her and she said nothing bad happen , but she didn't remember a lot

6 punks watched over her in till we found her, they were homeless and they looked hungry, I offered them some food but they only wanted a smoke . They were British and I knew they too were addicts by the look of them. I gave each a smoke and they thanked me and we went are separate ways.

Jen kept mumbling about the world and zombies.....

I like this city I like how people just mind their own business nothing is said about a half naked girl walking down the streets.

**Note **

I actually ran into Jen a couple of weeks ago, she's doing good has kids, found Jesus and has been clean for 8 years now. she still has those things on her lip

we Carry this inside like a disease.....

2009-07-31T07:10:00.007-04:00

My Grandfather, What I could remember was a big man. I don't mean big in the sense that he was over weight. He was very tall about 6'5 . His accent was still rich and he always told me stories of fair ladies and Viking wars.

He worked for 3 mile Island as a Security guard.Which is a Nuclear Plant in Harrisburg Pa. In the late 1970's there was a Scare their was almost a melt down.

Image via Wikipedia

There's always that fear of childern being born with 3 arms or 2 heads when things like that happen.

Any way every morning that I saw my Grandfather or we went to vist he ate his breakfast with a tall glass of OJ, and every morning I would ask
"whatcha drinking pops" and he would answer " OJ"

Maybe at such a young age I knew he was a lier, maybe I heard the whispers from my family about what really was in the drink.

My Pops was in and out of Rehab for drinking so many times The family stopped keeping track. Of course Eventually he lost his job at 3 mile island and he would bar-tend at local pubs . Which is a perfect job for him.

I remember my grandfather going threw different colors. First when he drank he got kind of a cherry rosy red. His eyes glistens and he was always laughing those were the best times. Then when his liver stopped working he became a yellowish green color and he was a mean Son of a bitch like Oscar the grouch

Image by wallyg via Flickr

I didn't like those times. No one did.

One morning we went to vist it was during these dark times. My Grandmother was a wreck and she always had bruises on her. My mother was making breakfast and she asked me wake my grandfather up. Everyone told me that I was his favorite . He never raised his voice at me and if I walked in the room while he was degrading someone he would stop.

My grandfather's room was dark there was a light on the dresser that was on. He sat propped up on his pillow empty bottles every where. I remember with the light his skin looked very creepy almost alien like.

I don't know why I did it but I sat at next to my pops and just started talking. About everything. The drama of my stuff animals kids in my preschool. Why my mom always makes me wear a dress and so on. He just stared straight ahead, not speaking, not blinking.

I was young, I had no idea that my grandfather passed away, They said that he killed himself because he drank enough Grain Alcohol to kill a horse . But he was going to die anyways his liver didn't work .

Alcoholism runs in my family I was a alcoholic for years, my mother and my father are one as well. It is a disease . I carry it inside of you as my daughter will though I hope she has the strength not to let it consume her

2009-07-28T07:30:00.002-04:00

I left all my Journals in Pa, So I have to take a little break or a permanent break from the madness of my past.

It's better to live in the Present though and just slightly reflect on the past, I can't change it and I hope I don't relive it again.

My NYC friends are wealthy, some our wealthy in there own right some our wealthy from old family money. Some I don't want to know where the money comes from but they won't share and I don't ask.

I'm cooking tonight for them in a huge kitchen that made me so happy to see it. They looked at me like I was a freak. I love to cook and They are going to eat a good old fashion meal. No more take out or dinning out.

Last night We had a party, drugs and liqueur there were plenty, I didn't touch the drugs, they wouldn't let me any ways, but the liqueur I had my intake. Top shelf vodka's and whiskey and rum's and coke, wine and so much more. It was a bad choice

The conversation turned into something I knew would happen and I was dreading it. my stomach doing flip flops if the past was brought up. They felt they had to say they were sorry for almost 4 years ago. My darkest hours my darkest days. I tried to laugh it off, But they told me to stop doing it That , that was the moment I changed that I lost myself. They said that they couldn't live with themselves for it.

For those who don't know me well, you probably are confused I don't think I'm ready to share into the darkest thing that happen. It was a lesson a hard lesson, but I learned it. Yes I did forget who I was...no that was the final straw...for it

They gave me apology

Thank you but not from my friends but it still made me feel good, in a strange uncomfortable way.

Thank you.

June 6,

2009-07-24T09:22:00.002-04:00

It's been days maybe since I slept. I refuse to sleep. I'm all sad and lonely and there's nothing in me that can make me happy. I hate trains.. I am so weak right now I crave some drugs.I'm afraid that if i do sleep I won't be able to resist death.

The craving is like metal claws. razor metal claws, it was starting slowly in my belly deep in my belly and now it consumes me like a heat a hot firey heat, but i'm so cold.

I need human contact

it will help take my mind off of my hunger, why did I agree to do this on my own? Because I'm strong Fuck that...

I keep twisting my toes and fingers together but the urges won't go away, i keep smiling at people because they are staring at me, my lips plastered against my teeth my cheeks are raw.

I feel like i'm going to get sick my stomach is doing the flip flopping thing... Just wait to I get off the train Please... that's all I ask don't make me get sick in front of all these people.

Listen to me beg to a god I don't believe in, how pathetic I turned out to be.

November 13.....

2009-07-20T12:33:00.000-04:00

I met my new friend on the streets on NYC he stood on the street corner smoking a cigerrett standing by a beat up Van. My new friend had a huge beard and deep blue eyes . He wore a news boy's hat and plaid flannel . I think we noticed each other at the same time.

When he smiled he had the most perfect straight white teeth I've seen his body was slim which was something I like in men. I don't remember if I went up first or he came up to me but we spent days together. Doing drugs and staying up. Having sex and sharing a bottle of whiskey.

He was a painter

we talked of having root beer float wars and laying on clouds. I ignored all my phone calls and I did not hear his phone ring once he might not have had one.

I'm sure I will never see my new friend again

Steptemer 14.....

2009-07-17T17:01:00.000-04:00

I"m writing this in my Car in a parking Garage. I have to say the garage is pretty run down The Water Sprinkles had Shorted out most the light. Those mounted emergency lights were on and that's what I'm using as a lite plus my dope lite in my car...

He was taking a shower...

I needed to get some air and space... and not in a bad way I'm so very happy it's not even real. I've never felt this way before the feelings are so intense and so strong our connection is amazing.! I had to leave the HOtel to see if I was dreaming because I never wanted to wake up..

These last hours were intense and they went by so quick and yet so slow, our times are so short 4 hours we live apart from each other

I know that I love him it hit me so hard I had to sit on the bed because I was shaking so hard. He was concerned always for me. i told him I was fine between breaths .

I didn't say it to him i've never spoken those words before except to friends and family.

this can't be real

Jan 10....

2009-07-16T17:34:00.000-04:00

Delena died her passing is etched in my brain forever. Phil does it say much, he too saw her passing. we were both pale I think my lips were blue. It was strangly warm for Jan. When she passed How long was it.

I have it written in awail... I couldn't write. I couldn't think.. i just wanted to forget.

She was smiling sweetly at Phil, I was a little Jealous and I thought horrible thoughts of what I wished of her. I didn't mean them though.

They ran up a head laughing, the ground was muddy from the snow melting.

When I finally caught up with them. Phil took Delena's face in his hands and Kissed her.

She turned white, and then blue, I'll never forget this. Phil pushed her away and she fell to the hard ground foaming at the mouth. I stood there shocked and knew at that moment that she lied that Delena didn't stop doing drugs.

Is it that funny how when your friend is dying that's what I thought of?

I do

October 22......

2009-07-15T15:59:00.000-04:00

Delena and I had broken into a church, Phil was off trying to make a kill in some Little Town across the way in Mexico. Delena was off her rocker, She scared me I would never tell her that though, even Phil was nervous about leaving me with her, but the need for drugs was so great.

Delena climbed up on to the alter and started pretending she was giving a sermon I ignored her. I may not believe in the christian God but I will not disrespect any religion.

The church was abandon , Years of dust had collected and spider webs were every where in strange way it was beautiful

" I want Phil" Delena said

Poor Delena once so pretty and amazing intill the drugs over took her life. She's just a shell anymore she was too pale and way to thin. HEr once pretty blue eyes were bland
and she picked at her skin and there were marks every where.

Delena was not right in her head.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phil is it back yet Delena is not doing well, she's crying and shaking, I really don't know what to do. I'm craving for drugs but I'm not losing my mind, She got sick for a little and I said a little pray for forgiviness to the mighty god.

I have visions of us dying in hell Mexico is like hell, the dirt the stench and the heat.
Where's Phil.

Feb 8........

2009-07-14T16:33:00.000-04:00

It is our last evening in los Vegas and were spending it, in the Pent house/whore house.
The oldman child sat with us and chatted like nothing was wrong. That Jenny and I did not have a fist fight over her whorish behavior. He would put on a childish act the way he spoke and I clenched my teeth so I wouldn't say anything, this was his home, and he was fucking my girlfriend so we could stay here.... But I hated Vegas ... But my hatred was really towards Jenny.

I sit here now with a stone face as this odd old man child talks crudely of his meat, She smiled beautifully always the actress, she was too good at being the whore.

He kept making Squeshy noises there was no point to his ramblings just a vulgar display of a waste of human life. He talks of feeding us dinner, but I would not eat what he has to serve. She said something and he started clapping.... I need to get out of here this hour not tomorrow !...

The sun is setting the sky lits up in a swirl of PInk and yellow

I hate Jenny....

September 7..... ( no Year)

2009-07-13T19:24:00.000-04:00

I dreamt that the world was in a snow globe though the snow was different color flowers and not snow at all. IT was it the world as we know it.There was no rocks,trees or water... no the world was a big bouncing ball, a twisting rubberizing bouncing ball!

You could run along this world in a hop and a skip. Using the ground and jumping for long distance. While different color flowers fall on you. The trees and grass were made from this same materiel. But Heaven was cold and dark.

In my dream I'm hoping around with these flowers laughing like a child, a rubbery bird flies by and I catch it no feather's on it just rubber. I fine this silly. and I don't know what species it is.

There are People that I don't know sitting around with forks and spoons trying to cut into the Earth. There skin is taunt against there bones I knew in the back of my mind they were starving, but the flowers and my new friend the rubbery bird makes me so happy I don't care....

That world looked the same except the rubber and the starving People and of course the flowers....

Then I awoke

My teeth clenched with such a great hunger that my stomach churned and I leaned over and gagged in till acid came up and burned my throat and nose. I lit a smoke and started writing... I despise my addiction

in your eye

2009-07-09T22:26:00.000-04:00

Perhaps I am doomed to retrace my steps under the illusion that I am exploring, doomed to try and learn what I should simply recognize, learning a mere fraction of what I have forgotten.
Andre Breton

I look at the clock and I'm amazed at the time. 10:35 pm a Thursday.I still have on my work clothes and I've been home since 2 pm. While actually it's not work clothes but fabrics that are made to make people think I have a job.

My legs hurt, and there's one fly that keeps buzzing around me. laughing as he lands annoyingly on me and flies off before I could hit him.

I have it read a good book in awail, something that is a little hard to handle then a murder mystery ..

A big bowel of Homemade Chinese noodles sits beside me untouched, such a waste.......

My laundry needs done.....I hate doing laundry

My TV is still on I don't want to get up to turn it off.....

I'm hot.....

meaning it's hot in my house.....

I"m lonely

I miss my friends...

I want to be free

I want to run

I want you to beg for my forgiveness

I want to watch a good movie

I want to meet new people

I want to come home to a mate...

I don't want to think of drugs

I want to do some much different.....

....... I want to stab you in your eye.....

Each contact with a human being is so rare, so precious, one should preserve it.

2009-07-06T22:07:00.000-04:00

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Anais Nin

Sperm donor drove by my mother's car today. His car was like a bright flashing warning light.

I was talking to my mother and my daughter when I saw him drive by 10:38 am.

A lump formed in my throat as I followed his car with my eyes as he drove by, clue less that I was sitting in the black Lexis.

I was silent the rest of the day.

Wednesday's bad day, by Vacuum Slayer

I went to Beaner's grave and cried more for my self pity then for him, His grave was empty, just last month is filled with flowers and poker chips and signs of I love you....

People forgot.... I never forget...

Everyone I meet is special to me, everyone leaves something pretty amazing even if it ends bad.... I still got something from it. Beaner was a new friend to me and no one speaks of him anymore.

I still go and vist my nephew's grave who died 15 years ago pre-mature and never had a chance. Each time I go I clean his grave off a little 3 inch plaque and pull the weeds that have over grown ,it always takes me sometime to find it.

People do things differently to handle death I get this,I just am one that will never forget....

Maggots In The Eye Of Love

2009-07-05T11:56:00.000-04:00

Last night I went out, and did the whole Social whore thing, that i'm so very good at, but deep down I have to clench my teeth to stop from screaming.

It's the area, I think...

People hear are zombies... dead zombies...

I despise them....

My best friend who I love dearly met a new man, a couple day's ago, He's married but told her he's trying to get a divorce but she won't let him....huh so you know the warning bells go off in my head.

My bff and him had sex all ready ( she reallly does it hold out) and he's stuck around, but he's in the milatary and is leaving in a couple days....

anyway

She does things with him, things like play darts and pool, which sorta pisses me off because our friends try to make her do things like that but she just sits at the same table in the same seat.... and talks to people...nothing new at all same bar same people.. same drink

sigh....

Did I ever tell you that my town is filled with a bunch of wealthy hicks? That really have no idea what's out in the real world? A bunch of mindless Fools that think there town is life... and they really have no idea......

aaauuuuggghhhh when am I going to be able to write again !!!!!!

2009-07-04T19:30:00.001-04:00

I know death , I've seen it a little to close for comfort for most person. It does it cause me fear, or sadness, it's a part of life yup a part of life

My new love quote

2009-06-30T20:27:00.001-04:00

When a horse falls, foam comes out of its mouth. When it falls, the legs of the horse thrash and the horse is no good... So somebody shoots it. The horse turns into glue. A machine puts the glue into bottles and children squeeze the bottles to get the glue out and stick bits of paper onto cards. Glue gets on the children's hands and the children eat the glue. And the children become the horse.

You put your dirty finger in my clean eye.....

2009-06-30T16:42:00.001-04:00

All human beings are also dream beings. Dreaming ties all mankind together.
-Jack Kerouac

I take a deep breath as my thoughts turn to him, he does not deserve my thoughts. At times like these I wish I could just cut out my brain.. What a gooey mess would be.

I wish I could wash my pain away with some whiskey. And a bit of Cocaine. I wish I could fuck and have some amazing sex with someone. But I have morals damn them.... ( shaking my fist)

So I try to think of other things, midget hookers, People with annoying voices,People drinking poop coffee....

just anything so I don't have to think of you. You pretty much drew me to the edge of life... I feel like I'm going crazy. LIke maybe the donnie Darko rabbit will show up.

I know that we are all crazy in are own littl way but man I don't know how much I can take of this.

New topic:

Whatever Works
"this is not the feel-good movie of the year" Larry David says in the opening of Woody Allen's Whatever Works. Evan Rachel Wood plays a pretty runaway who crashe's Larry David's apartment and falls for him....

This is actually good , I"m not a fan of Woody Allen okay I know I know I never liked him not sure why

Is it the goofiness in his appearance ?

Woody Allen via last.fm

No I"m not sure why I just never liked him.....

madness

2009-06-29T14:36:00.001-04:00

Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.
Elie Wiesel

The best thing that I can give anyone is my friendship. It's the best all around if we all were friends, This quote by Elie Wiesel is truly a inspirational piece.

I would never betray you, I may try to fuck my own life up and at times not think of yours but I would need just a quick slap and a fuck you to remind me that I'm not being a good friend.

I hear a lot from men and boys about how they want more then friendship from me. I'm really telling you the truth that this is the best thing that I could give you. A relationship with me in a sense that we were fucking or a boyfriend girlfriend thing will in the end be your destruction .

There is a reason that I'm called the black widow........

I was in the forest jumping around daffodils while everyone was high on heroin.
Rufus Wainwright

I missed the world day drug day.... not sure how I would have spent it, since I have been clean for ten years. It was two days ago... I'm sure off in some little town in Europe they had a big celebration , while I laid by a pool they were off sticking needles and things up there nose. Then shoving food in there mouths

God I miss those days......

I really want to watch this movie, but I can't find it..lol actually I don't even know the name of it... but it looks pretty lame but cool all wrapped up in some bacon

Kisses

A memory

2009-06-27T23:52:00.000-04:00

I think it is all a matter of love: the more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it is.
Vladimir Nabokov

I remember the first time I felt like I was going crazy.... it was a warm night just like tonight and I just got done doing a couple of lines of coke. It was so hot the city had a abnormal stench to it.

I think because a breeze could not sweep threw the city, but the city smelled like death. Not like a new death like a death of an old person where they rot intill finally there body just gives up. I hate that smell! So the night smelled like that and I wondered the streets alone.. afraid to sleep not only because of the smell but because of the fact that just that morning I got my shoes stolen.

I have to say though the People were very respectable , I've seen people get beat for less.... I have to take the time here and think that my feet should be really messed up at this point in my life, I've broken so many bones in my feet and had them bloody and meaty mess they should be ugly... but there not they actually are very pretty feet....

Any way

That night I just didn't want to sleep, though I did a couple lines of coke , coke always made me feel so tired... or maybe it gave me that feeling of I had so much to do but I was just too god damn cool to do it, Yes that was more it.

There was it a lot of activity on the streets on this night.. of course due to the fact that it felt like hell out here I see why people wanted to stay in..... though I know at that moment I was probabling wishing for some AC blowing on my face.

If the river was it so polluted maybe I would have went for a dip in there. Puddles of sweat laid in my bra....not cooling me off like you would think

I turned down the street where all the hookers hung out at. My friend lived in the heart of Cuntville . Hookers didn't bother me, really they have to make a living as well. Some of them was just to support their drug habbit, other's really were just insecure women and more insecure boyfriends then them. I didn't care.. I had a drug problem though I didn't turn down the road of selling myself for cash to get drugs... I wonder why that was ?

Up head I heard Laughter and out comes Dice running from behind the dumpster, a kid with gold teeth a bleach blonde hair and old dried up hooker that could have been his mother, followed him out cursing, She was cursing him out about something.

My friends door opened and he stepped out with a famous stripper I guess the hooker was being to loud and they came out to be nosey..... Sometimes that happens in cities, your life is dull so you just stop and listen to whats going on around you, or your hoping you can find someone else's life worse then yours.

Dice's Laughter could be heard I'm sure 3 blocks down, I cringed because I hate how loud people get... and it was mostly just because he needed attention . My mood was just sour due to the heat... I went to walk up the black iron steps to my friends place to see if I could stand in his fridge when I heard it.

The hooker called Dice by the "N" word.... I won't even say it I hate that word hate it! I froze and my friend and the stripper stopped talking and looked shock at the hooker.... Her eyes were all glazed and her hair was wild, she looked nuts nuts I say....

Dice was angry he glarred at her with such hatred and such malice, but she didn't step down

"you heard me !" she screamed I didn't even here Dice ask a Question
Dice glared harder
" don't ever say that again you stupid cunt"

She tilted her head back and laughed

Then she did this little dance and kept Calling him that.

my eyes widened

What happen next happened so fast, Dice unzipped his pants and whipped his cock out and peed on her

The hooker was still dancing and it didn't hit her at first that this man was peeing on her.... but when she did she started screaming

Dice laughed again my friend and the stripper were almost in tears from laughing I stood there shocked.

"hey what's going on down there!!"

I turned to see a old man wearing a sailer suit, standing in the entrance of the allway .

I"ve seen him around he was the pimp in these streets almost looked like a grandfather if it was it for the insaneness in his eyes. The hooker was one of his.

He walked up to Dice

" boy what are you doing to my girl"

the hooker laughed and I noticed she was missing teeth.

Dice turned to him

" i'm a paying customer and she called me a "N""

Let me tell you how silent it got in that alleyway nothing but breathing could be heard, The hooker stopped laughing and looked really nervous. She looked around as if too see where she could run too.

Then it happened the worst beating I've ever seen a women get , and I've been beat pretty good, more laughter came from Dice and the stripper was yelling for the pimp to beat that girls ass....

I looked up at my friend but he was on the phone but in a tranced watching the scence before him.

This was madness, The hooker was kicked and punched and kneed blood just came out of her....

I couldn't do anything, did I want to do anything yes but what I was, was a 18 year old then living on the streets....

The pimp spit on her and gave her one good kick, he took dice and said something about buying him a beer. The stripper and my friend walked up to his place and he yelled down that the door would be unlocke but to stay out of his room... Stripper was grabbing him ... I guess all this excitment got her in the mood.

The hooker laid in a bloody mess and no one cared, I felt like I was going nuts with what I jsut saw , who would treat someone like that?

At that moment though reality hit, this women was me in 10 to 15 years, she sobbed softly and I cringed this is what my life is going to be like.

Lets just say that was the last time I stepped foot in that alleyway, I 've never saw any of those people again. To this day I think back to the hooker and wonder if she's still alive or she's dead now, I know the pimp is dead because he was old

I still get sad when I think about that night the only time I've never done anything to help someone...

how simple

2009-06-25T06:45:00.000-04:00

"When I found out what made the world go round and that it wasn't love; that's when I went bad "

William Rose

I don't think it's a good sign that my depression is taking over every moment of my life. When I fall asleep for short nap I expect to wake up refreshed and feeling a little better. But the nightmares come of monsters eating my baby, and happy moments with Sperm donor and then something horrible happens. I feel the life slipping away from my very eyes. though I think it's a good thing that I'm noticing this.

My legs ache, and I'm hot and clammy, my skin is very itchy not sure if it's from the heat, or the fact that I found a nest of spiders outside of my work today. I have it spoken to Sperm donor since tuesday morning and it's thursday night. This saddens me

I don't think anyone is going to truly understand the pain I"m going threw, the hurt, I can't even put it in words. I can sit and pretend that every thing is fine but then I just cry and I have this sense of hopelessness that washes over me. I have a sever case of abandonment issues, and then I feel worthless, I feel like My baby and I arn't good enough . then I think about life and human beings and how fuck up the world is!!! then I get angry... this happens a couple times a day. My friends don't even know.....

How simple it would be if I was truly selfish just to end it... how simple it would be to just go into darkness, and never come out, and just sleep for good ......

how simple

control

2009-06-24T15:39:00.000-04:00

Grasping for control, is really a hard thing. Someone with my addictive personality, it's not really that hard to understand.

How long has it been since I felt true happiness and not just phoniness that I seem to find myself in. Does that not make me a lie? I believe that I am.

I hate the ugliness that I feel in my stomach a hard ache that seems to clutch my heart at each breath.

When that happens my mind and soul fills with insecurity that I spent so many years in perfecting it's non extinction.

Is there a name for this?

I cry a lot , all the time, I'm someone that does it let the water works come but I can't stop it. I try to sleep and my tears wake me up and sobbing from my on body... Damit it pisses me off!
My breath is always shaking never strong anymore, I'm all over the place .

I need to learn control,

I'm at my end....I can't do this not on my own.....

2009-06-21T18:53:00.001-04:00

It is by doubting that we come to investigate, and by investigating that we recognize the truth.
Peter Abelard

The key to wisdom is this - constant and frequent questioning, for by doubting we are led to question and by questioning we arrive at the truth.
Peter Abelard

Love alone can unite living beings so as to complete and fulfill them... for it alone joins them by what is deepest in themselves. All we need is to imagine our ability to love developing until it embraces the totality of men and the earth.
Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Love alone is capable of uniting living beings in such a way as to complete and fulfill them, for it alone takes them and joins them by what is deepest in themselves.
Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Love is the affinity which links and draws together the elements of the world... Love, in fact, is the agent of universal synthesis.
Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

some of my favorite Quotes,

I'm still in bed ,
I don't think I will ever get out,
I smell like stale smoke,

I want sex
no wait....

I need sex.....

I'm pregnant so I can't have sex with people, except Sperm donor....
I hate him for that....

I hate myself though more.....

People really don't get me....

I don't care

well fuck it I do care....

I love writing

but right now I hate writing.....

my legs hurt......

Sperm donor has it easy

No one cares......

blah blah blah

loveless

2009-06-17T14:06:00.000-04:00

To every people the land is given on condition. Perceived or not, there is a Covenant, beyond the constitution, beyond sovereign guarantee, beyond the nation's sweetest dreams of itself.
Leonard Cohen

My heart is like a hollowed out trunk from an old Oak tree. Once it stood so firm and strong , never bending to the whim of any man or beast. Now there are holes so deep I can't fill them up.. I don't think I can hide them.

This concerns me......

It also concerns me the fact that my mind is unraveling right before me. I feel it, can you feel yourself going insane ? Insane people don't think that they are insane... I know this but I've been threw a whirl wind of feelings I think I'm dizzy from it.

I'm breathless.......
How do you deal with pain that runs so deep and get your strength back? When a lover, a dear friend, or a mate, has betrayed you so deeply, and yet not care. If I'm mean to anyone I feel bad, I regret it. I know that I'm a different person.... and the world is made of different people. I know that my views and thoughts on how things should be are not the only way... I understand this.

All around my small world, I watch and hear how Sperm donor makes up with are friends, he has a great need to do this. Then I sit and I try to understand why it's so important to him. To Justify to explain to my two BFF's..... and I don't get that same respect.

He did this to me ! Not them to me! Why are they important, and me and his child is it. I'm not bad, I've been nothing but honest with him. He's so willing to search everyone out and talk to them . Not me.

How ?? who has these answers

My friends told me to let go of these feelings and be happy, how ???

I'm loveless and I'm not good enough, thank you Sperm donor for teaching me that

Hell is other people

2009-06-16T14:12:00.000-04:00

Nothing is funnier than unhappiness, I grant you that. Yes, yes, it's the most comical thing in the world.
Samuel Beckett

Last night I felt like hiding some where and really never coming out. I thought it would be wonderful to maybe I hide in the woods and let people miss me for a bit. Or maybe hiding some where where I could spy.... and just watch them from a far. I knew from the begin g this was not a wise mature choice. So I put my running shoe's on and ran into the night. Yes I ran 8 miles just letting the wind whip my hair around. Cars honked as they drove by me as if they couldn't share the road. I ignored my legs as they screamed at me to stop... begging for some kind of release but this was release for me for my soul.

Everything was bottled up inside of me and when I was on a darken road where the traffic was pretty much not existing, I let the cap off on my feelings and I cried my eyes out !!!!! I had converstations out loud on respect and how I deserve it, I screamed and yelled and cursed sperm donor.... for his ways and how he left me. I sprinted forward, telling myself that I am good enough and that this child is good enough !!!!! No matter how he treated me Sperm donor was and is wrong . Tears blinded my eyes cows looked at me as if I was nuts... I think then I was just a little bit.

After the run I ended up at the bar I was dripping with sweat, and my hair was plastered to my head and my clothes stuck to me.... and there sat Sperm donor Playing cards...... as if there's nothing wrong with showing his face in my bar.

Last night though I had fun, we ignored each other, but it didn't bother me,I laughed and spoke to everyone. We passed each other and we acted that we didn't even know each other. When I was leaving and said bye to everyone he waved bye to me.. sperm donor. I looked right threw him like he was nothing. He tried to speak to my BFF and she glared at him, He asked her what was wrong and she just shook her head at him in disquest . Then ignored him.

I'm glad that my friends are standing by myside though I don't find enjoyment in pain of others... but for now I'm finding comfort in it... if that makes sense

Leda and the Swan

2009-06-15T19:19:00.001-04:00

Above the staggering girl, her thighs caressed
By the dark webs, her nape caught in his bill,
He holds her helpless breast upon his breast.

can those terrified vague fingers push
The feathered glory from her loosening thighs?
And how can body, laid in that white rush,
But feel the strange heart beating where it lies?

A shudder in the loins engenders there
The broken wall, the burning roof and tower
And Agamemnon dead.

Being so caught up,

So mastered by the brute blood of the air,
Did she put on his knowledge with his power
Before the indifferent beak could let her drop?

By W.B. Yeats

Image by kunkelstein via Flickr

I miss my Mohawk... I use to have a 6 inch blue mohawk.
No pictures of this time in my life... why because it was a
big No No in my well to do family. My mother would not let me in her home if I had it up. and of course it didn't' look well when it was down.

with this Mohawk I had 22 piercings... One by one I ripped them out due to Societies wishes, I could never keep a good paying Job... I miss those days

Born under a bad sign.....

2009-06-14T17:41:00.000-04:00

"The tears of the world are a constant quality. For each one who begins to weep, somewhere else another stops. The same is true of the laugh. "
-Samuel Beckett

Please just give me my dreams and Life back!!I"ve been cheated and beaten to where my soul hurts. So I just ask to give my dreams back to me.

I awoke early today, surprising I slept good, I drew in a shaky breath as I stood on my porch with a cup of coffee, traffic zoomed by the front of my house and a young man across the street had his little daughter in the grass by the church.

Last night and today I had to tell myself that I would not cry not for him not for sperm donor. I will not cry and feel bad for myself.

I lite a smoke as I type this... wondering how I should say it.... how I should say about something that is so horrible or atleast it is to me. I do not want to be a Victim, I am not weak!!! I'm still in shock, I've seen so much in my life time but yet for a reason this is so horrible and hurts me so. Like I'm not real and I have no feelings or importance in life.....

I bled last night, I was out and I bled, I was certain that I was losing my baby, a life force that was growing inside of me is gone. Sperm donor was at the bar and I asked him to take me home, I called my doctor and he confirmed that just by what I was saying It seemed that I was miscarrying. The Doc stated that I needed to get home and let it run it's course and have some one there for me for support and ect.

So Sperm donor was my first thought, He told me to give him 20 minutes and he will take care of me.... Those 20 min turned into a hour then almost 2. The cramping started and it was getting uncomfortable to sit. He Played 3 games of Pool I counted ..... I went to the bathroom and when I came out He was gone....

Yes Sperm donor left me at the bar with no ride.... not a care for my well being , he slipped out when I was in the bathroom, like a coward.

I did not contact him, I wouldn't do that not for him.

I awoke this morning to no more bled my cramps were gone, I called my doc and told him, and I have to go see him tomorrow my doctor and he has to run some test to see if it happen. The fact that I'm not bleeding anymore is a good change that I'm still prego's.

I 'm shocked at sperm donor, shock to say the least, I'm hurt

The Screaming ex Coke addict

2009-06-13T13:43:00.000-04:00

“Is the nature of men such, that they can reject miracle, and at the great moments of their life, the moments of their deepest, most agonising spiritual difficulties, cling only to the free verdict of the heart? Oh, Thou didst know that Thy deed would be recorded in books, would be handed down to remote times and the utmost ends of the earth, and Thou didst hope that man, following Thee, would cling to God and not ask for a miracle. But Thou didst not know that when man rejects miracle he rejects God too; for man seeks not so much God as the miraculous. And as man cannot bear to be without the miraculous, he will create new miracles of his own for himself, and will worship deeds of sorcery and witchcraft, though he might be a hundred times over a rebel, heretic and infidel.”

by Fyodor Dostoevsky

I could never tell anyone what to do.... I can only sit back and watch silently. I made all these same mistakes, I've told myself the same things when I was a addict. What ever they need to say to Justified their thought process anything so they can get up and look at themselves in the mirror .Truly everyone of them is like a clown or I'm at a big party where we must all wear masks. To hide there shame.

Cocaine What a horrible, amazing , wretched, beautiful drug. It takes my breath away just thinking about it. It brings back so many memories it touched me deeply like those rare and beautiful one night stand where the fucking was like dying in bliss.

Will I touch it again? No But do I want to ? Yes

It's like a itch a burning itch that consumes me when I think about it. My BFF does it ... Now that I called her out on it she's more open with it.... I hate her more for that, she kept this from me for years... because of in the past having such a problem with it. Now she's asking Sperm donor to hook her up....

Though 3 day's ago she was really hurt that People were calling her a Coke addict. She makes me want to do it... Damn her. She's the innocent one out of the both of us!!!!

Mr.Cocaine made me Homeless, IT was him and me together always in the past, I didn't need People.. not like now... is it that funny, back then it was a drug that I relied on and now my friends both disappointing in their own rights.....

my boobs are wet

2009-06-12T18:22:00.001-04:00

My horoscope today:

SHOW all your feelings and emotions. A strong impulse guides you and removes the obstacles that until now had sunk your love life in gloom. It is a period for communication, if you assume your responsibilities. Try not to be influenced in your decisions.

I have a thing about bunnies or people wearing bunny ears.... it's really strange actually not sure where it came about,

It's always been there. This obsessiveness on bunnies. Happy bunnies, crazy bunnies, and even killer bunnies

““…-no girl had ever moved me with a story of spiritual suffering and so beautifully her soul showing out radiant as an angel wandering in hell and the hell the selfsame streets I’d roamed in watching, watching for someone just like her and never dreaming the darkness and the mystery and eventuality of our meeting in eternity,””

-Jack Kerouac

It's really hot in my home I'm running around in a little tank top and boy shorts. There are little puddles resting up against my boobs . I took a cool shower but that only helped when I was in the shower.

I wish I could cry, wouldn't that be so very nice if with a shaky breath I could just cry, I think I would feel better.... actually I know I would.

Maybe that's what life is...a wink of the eye and winking stars

2009-06-11T13:27:00.000-04:00

My Horoscope for today :

Be careful about taking hasty decisions; they may bring about unexpected outcomes. This is a period of wait, of introspection. Focus on your thoughts; this will stimulate your perception in ORDER not to be deceived by the external world. This period will be very important and necessary for you to grow and acquire new experiences. This is a time for being right, faithful and loyal. You'll strike up reliable and meaningful friendships.

the only people for me are the mad ones...

...the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved...the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but BURN, BURN, BURN, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.

Jack Kerouac

For those of you who don't know who Jack Kerouac is here is a little bio on him Taken from Wikipidea:

Jack Kerouac (pronounced /ˈkɛruːæk, ˈkɛrəwæk/; March 12, 1922 – October 21, 1969) was an American author, poet and painter. Alongside William S. Burroughs and Allen Ginsberg, he is considered a pioneer of the Beat Generation.

Kerouac's work was very popular, but received little critical acclaim during his lifetime. Today, he is considered an important and influential writer who inspired others, including Hunter S. Thompson, Tom Robbins, Lester Bangs, Richard Brautigan, Ken Kesey, Haruki Murakami, Tom Waits, and writers of the New Journalism.

Kerouac's best-known books are On the Road, The Dharma Bums, Big Sur, The Subterraneans, and Visions of Cody.

“I hope it is true that a man can die and yet not only live in others but give them life, and not only life, but that great consciousness of life.”

Quote by Jack Kerouac

I stayed in bed last night starting at about 6 pm, with the computer on my lap and my eyes glazed over, with my own little drug called the internet.....It didn't help get rid of the itch I had to jump into a car and go to the bar.... though

I've been so stressed out I've actually broke out in hives on my neck and pimples on my face, growing up I didn't get pimples, and know I have one laughing at me. The Hives actually look like somebody was sucking on my neck, which is actually very trashy looking and I would never let anyone do that.

I love starring off at the rain it makes me feel secure and safe when I hear it . I sip my coffee and stare outside at the wetness, and I really just think "Hey I've had way to much pain in my life lately." I've had a lot of bad things happen to me, I have my own demons like everyone else, but it seems that everyone else can keep on trucking and it just does it effect them? Am I too sensitive ? or is it just to real?

Being Jobless these last 4 months I've done a lot of reading and browsing the internet. I find other bloggers who have there own troubles and they wear there pain on there sleaves.. but yet I can't find anyone like that where I am. Maybe there's only a loud to be one in 20 miles... sigh I"m tired of being alone

I spoke to sperm donor on tuesday, It went well though I couldn't finish bc he had things he had to do, story of my life nothing get's done, everything get's pushed back when it comes to him.

He did state that he wished he could move in with me and we could work out our problems and raise the child..... but he can't .. always "if only's" never actions...

I wrote him a email, first because I couldn't get a hold of him to talk. When I write it has more emotions in it, more real.

Email:
Since you wont talk to me, this is the only way I can talk to you. That is if you choose to read it, because I can see you just deleting it.

I keep hearing from you that, Your not that guy, You've said this to me a lot lately .... and I think I have to disagree with you. YOu are that guy. But to be fair I know this is something you've never been through. I won't give you the age thing though because if your man enough to fuck you need to be man enough to take responsibility.

Giles won't help us, he said it's because he does it trust you .I don't blame him though that's a lot of money to fork over. I think it's funny though how he couldn't tell you that..lol how he's talking shit behind your back and being nice to your face...It shows what kind of People are around here.

I guess your use to that though, two face People....

I'm Keeping the child, I go to another Doctor's appoinment on thursday, and I know you told me before that you want to go to them, but well were not going to kid ourselves here are we sperm donor.

I would rather have a child that the father does not want, then Kill a child for the same reason....

I thought long and hard on this and the only thing your doing to me is making me insane and that's not who I am. I threated you and I"m "manning" up John and I'm going to say sorry for that it was not right and it's not who I am.

I won't bother you, I"m going to raise this child on my own and Love him or her the best I can... because to know that the father wants nothing to do with the child is a big self esteem issue for this child. I won't have it!

I can't make you grow up or be a man , and really I don't want to, if I made you you would be just resentful and hateful, though you all ready have enough of that going on with dealing with yourself.

And believe me your not the type of man I want to set example for "my" child. I need to keep my head up, bc though I have my own issues in this my own insecurerity . My advice to you is this, You do have a impact on people's lives Sperm donor things you say and do effect People, that's why you need to treat People well. Were all humans here.

I pushed everyone away, everyone, so go to the Gman and live your life with all of my friends because they aren't in my life anymore, I hope you know though that they will never be honest with you like I have. But I think that does it bother you, I think you like to live ( like everyone else) in a fantasy world ...and have fake people .

You told me once you were worth it...Sperm donor your not to me, maybe someone but not me... this baby is worth it to me to give a change that his father never wanted for him. or her.

I hope in the future sperm donor you make better choices , I wish you the best, I really do, but I regrett meeting you and thinking you were something your not.. that's my fault not yours, you be who you are, always Disapointing but some how you get by.

Heather

oh Feb 4 is when the baby will be due just so you know take care

Okay the thing is that when I did talk to him it was it so blunt, I got my point across and all that stuff but I forgot to mention about how rough or honest this email was... sigh I"m sure he's going to go back to not talking to me.

This is a long blog I should stop,

my little rant

2009-06-07T12:21:00.000-04:00

I use to be a Junkie..... I use to live on the streets and put whatever I could up my nose or down my throat. I think maybe for having this experience nothing scares me. So many People threw out my life has told me secrets that they just assume would shock me. I would always sit there calmly and they would get all quit as if they were thinking I was so shock I needed a moment. But that's not the case.

I"ve seen things that normal People don't see, I've seen People OD I"ve seen People murder, for $5 dollars ,I've seen Whores get beat almost to death by their pimps. Sometimes it goes threw my mind like a movie, like one of those movies that start in the middle and then goes backwards and then forwards.I"ve sat at the table with very important people in Russian Families, where before I could eat , I had to thank them for letting me in there group and home.

I was barefoot, when I was homeless,, my shoes stolen by a homeless man, which he never would have been able to to wear them, but still he stole my shoes. My feet were cut up, from the glass on the streets. Those day's I felt like I was dead.

It's no one's fault but my own, My mind was it strong enough to handle the addictions to drugs.My Soul was empty and black... though I was a Junkie with morals..... I guess my mother did something right. I never had sex for drugs or money,I actually got a name for myself. I was the one everyone could trust, On the streets People knew that they could tell me there secrets and I would never tell.

The life I live now, it's been about ten years, I find to be very hum drum. We are all like ants just wondering around. The day is filled with nothing but bull shit.... shit at work and shit out of other people's mouth. People who have never lived the way I have or do not have a better understanding, bore me.

There are always those People who have never stepped out of upper middle class and truly have seen what the "others" have lived. Yet they Lie... about it. They sell there drugs and think that they are cool, they get to beat on some poor kid who beat them for drugs or cash and they feel like there life is complete. But out in the grown up world , the hard world, it's tougher then this......

sigh

This is how the town I live in is like, People have no clue, they run in huge gangs about 30 plus and they always have each others backs. Because that's how things are done here. They make up some crazy story on how There father is related to some big time Maffia guy up in NYC.

I"m not impressed, it seems that everyone is related to some Godfather in this area.... because this is farm country and the cows might need a beating to stay on track.....

I'm ranting about a lot of things here I know, I just find that there are so many stupid people around here, and i"m tired of it......

ego

2009-06-05T15:09:00.000-04:00

Ego

Category: Life

What a little word... it has had various meanings applied to it. In Freud's system, the ego is the conscious aspect of the psyche that chooses between the base instincts of the id and the morality of the super ego. A person with an "ego problem" is considered to be centered on the self. He is thought of as boastful, self'centered person. It's usually male but can be female as well.

Some People view ego as the unconscious part of ourselves, involved with hate,malice and destruction. Ego has also been described as something that is always with us, controlling our daily lives, but which we can do little to change.

Other's define ego as the exclusive physical aspect of our reality as opposed to the spiritual or higher part that we define as soul.

I think that the Ego is nothing more then a Illusion, but a very influential one.

No one has ever seen the true Ego no one has looked at it in it's face and truly seen what it looks like. I think it's because the Ego is a idea.

It's mental invisible formless fucking idea. A idea you have on yourself, It's a illusion but it stops you from truly knowing yourself.

As I see it ego is a wrong-mindedness that attempts to present you as you would like to be rather than as you are.

Think how when you look in the mirror everything is backwards, your right hand is your left and ect. YOu understand that this is backward view that you are seeing and you make the appropriate adjustments. You do not confuse reality with the image in the mirror.

The ego, this idea of yourself, is very much like the mirror example, without the adjustments. Your Ego wants you to look for the inside on the outside. The outer illusion is the major preoccupation of the ego. The way of your higher self is to relfect your inner reality rather than the outer illusion.

"Two People have been living in you all of your life. One is Ego, garrulous, demanding, hysterical, calculating, the other is the hidden spritual being, whose still voice of wisdom you have only rarely heard or attended to "

Sogyal Pinpoche, in "The Tibetan book of LIving and Dying"

He goes on and states " The memory of your real nature, with all it's splendor and confidence, begins to return to you... You will find that you have uncovered in yourself your own wise guide. Because he or she knows you through and through since he or she is you"

( Please read this book it's really amazing)

The inner wise guide is you, not the idea that you have of yourself. Think of this inner guide as your true self and allow yourself to listen to this wise guide. Instead of listening to the gossip of the Ego you will hear clear and inspiring messages of wisdom. Eventually you will free yourslef from the demands of that ego.

"If you ar not feeling a deep rich sense of yourself and your purpose in now-here, it is probably because you believe you are your ego"

This is somethng I must work on....

Tomorrow's blog will be based on the seven Primary Ego Characteristics
1. Ego is your false self-

what's your thoughts on Ego?

the dream of life

2009-05-16T04:21:00.000-04:00

"Who has fully realized that history is not contained in thick books but lives in our very blood?"

Is human life just a dream, from which we never really awake, as some great thinkers claim? Are we submerged by our feelings, by our loves and hates, by our ideas of good, bad, beautiful, awful? Are we incapable of knowing beyond those ideas and feelings?

We are such stuff
As dreams are made on, and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep…
William Shakespeare, The Tempest (Folger Shakespeare Library)

A man that is born falls into a dream like a man who falls into the sea.
Joseph Conrad

"When I consider the short duration of my life, swallowed up in the eternity that lies before and after it, when I consider the little space I fill and I see, engulfed in the infinite immensity of spaces of which I am ignorant, and which know me not, I rest frightened, and astonished, for there is no reason why I should be here rather than there. Why now rather than then? Who has put me here? By whose order and direction have this place and time have been ascribed to me?"

By Pascal

What is Reality, is it real, do we honestly really feel, hate, love, or hunger,, do I really truly cry or laugh at a joke, or is it just something society tells me I should do.... mmmm,

I always have Questions I believe in Intuition, I believe in a higher power though I will never say it's the "god' of the bible .

or are we survival machines, blindly programmed to preserve the selfish molecules known as genes», as Richard Dawkins has said...

I like this above Quote selfish Molecules wow how right is that.....

Love gives meaning in are lives , this I understand, but love never sticks around, well for me anyone....True Friendships and the worship of "god" was so long ago said to bring your own Happiness. But I think you need to understand yourself and accept your self to truly be happy.... that's just my thought on it

Just some thoughts to think on it is after 4 am not even tired

cops and funny shirts

2009-05-03T03:31:00.001-04:00

well well well, where to start, mm I guess in the beginning of my night, I got dolled up and went out. I've been moping around this house all week . I needed to have fun. Here were my problems though, No car, No money and well No phone......

But well we live in this wonderful stage of technology.... where myspace, facebook and yes SG can help you out with out a phone. So I made arrangements to get dropped off at my favorite bar.
Okay so Even Let me share his beer with him. Now the thing with beer is this, I become a mean funny person. that's why I don't drink it, I mean I tell you those funny stories that I say to people when I'm drunk but they are annoying me first. With beer though I just become mean.

I told Kara I was going to kick her in her Vagina , and then I said it might get stuck because of her gaping holes. I was hysterically Laughing at this. But she's my best friend and she's a lot like me so she laughed a long with me.

Kara's in a new relationship, which I like to call him Zoolander because he looks like a super model. He seems cool but he's always starring in the mirror at himself. He works at the bar that I go to . So They kept giving each other heated looks, I wanted to vomit. it was gross.

So Kara got to drunk and couldn't drive me home. She offered to call a taxi and give me money for it, but low and behold No taxi was available .We called everyone no answer,

So I walked, it's about 8 miles yea walked. my feet were killing and I took my 3 inch heels off and walked bare foot. ( don't worry I scrubbed them then) So I'm walking and well I get fucking pulled over. Yup I guess it's a crime to walk home from the bar.

So he did the whole check my ID and asked me the whole where you going tonight .I told him that I was walking and asked him was that wrong of me? He said no that he just wanted to make sure I was okay.

So in the end He ended up taking me home which I was grateful for because I didn't really want to walk but I would have without a complaint!!!

So I'm home now in bed, and getting ready to masturbate.....

If I had a penis

2009-04-28T02:12:00.001-04:00

If you have nothing to do, it is better to simply sit and do nothing.
It is always better to do nothing than to do something to fill a gap,
because in these moments you are not losing anything and you
are not collecting any rubbish.

Dharma

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top ten things I would do If I had a penis for one day

1.Get ahead faster in Corporate america
2.Get a blow Job
3. find out what is so amazing about beating the meat
4.Pee standing up while talking to the man next to me
5.find out why I cna't hit the bowl ( toilet bowel )
6.find out what it feels like to have a orgasm
7.scratch and touch myself in public
8. Jump up and down when i'm hard and see how it feels
9.Measure my new member
10.repeat number 2

Tomorrow I have my doctor appoinment to see how my health is doing. I'm a little nervous but by looking at me you wouldn't be able to tell.......I'm tired and I 'm problably just going to watch a movie intill I fall asleep. If i fall asleep. I can see myself tossing and turning all night

it's hot, I have a little fan on that's sorta just blowing the hot air around.... sigh

Tomorrow i'll write a better blog

when Smart People die in Stupid ways

2009-04-26T15:27:00.000-04:00

I don't know why I find amusement in this. But here it goes.

1.Aeschylus

The ancient Greek playwright died around 500 BC when an eagle dropped a tortoise on his noggin. Apparently, the eagle mistook the playwright's bald head for a rock.

2. Attila the Hun

On his wedding night, he got so drunk he didn't realize that his nose was bleeding profusely. Mrs. Hun awoke the next morning to find the groom dead, drowned in his own blood.

3. Sir Francis Bacon

To see if snow would preserve meat, the 17th century philosopher / statesman / scientist killed a chicken and then spent hours trying to stuff the carcass full of snow. When it was all over, there were 2 bodies in the snow.

4. Tycho Brahe

In 16th century Denmark, it was considered rude to leave a banquet table before the meal had ended. The heavy drinking astronomer suffered in polite agony rather than excuse himself to heed the call of nature. As a result, his bladder burst and he died a slow and painful death.

5. Jim Fixx

The author of the late seventies bestseller The Complete Book of Running touted running and a healthy diet as the key to longevity. He died from a heart attack while jogging. An autopsy revealed massive blockage in three coronary arteries.

6. Holy Roman Emperor Frederick I

Clanking through the desert of the Holy Land in heavy armor, 12th century Holy Roman Emperor Frederick was so happy when he reached the Saleph River, he jumped in to quench his thirst. Unfortunately, he forgot to take his armor off and therefore sank to the bottom like an anvil.

7. Jean Baptiste Lully

During a rehearsal of his latest composition, the 17th century composer got so excited he accidentally thrust his conductor's baton deep into his right foot. As a result, Lully subsequently died of blood poisoning.

8. Pope Johann XII

Only 18 years old when he died in AD 963, Pope Johann XII was knocking at the pearly gates after his lover's enraged husband beat him to death.

9. Jerome Irving Rodale

\

The founder of the organic food movement and the publisher of the Rodale Press told interviewer Dick Cavett in 1971 that he'd live to 100. Moments later, the 72 year old Rodale slumped dead in his chair from a heart attack. This episode of The Dick Cavett Show was never broadcast.

10. Tennessee Williams

Years of alcohol and drug abuse took a fatal toll on the noted playwright, who choked to death on an aspirin cap while inebriated in 1983.

true life

2009-04-24T14:26:00.000-04:00

True life
Category: Life
When I was five I remember my father very clearly, I remember him sitting on our little couch and hitting a wand against the flat of his big hand. I'm not sure if our couch was really little or the fact that my father was just a big man. At 6 feet 3 inches and nothing but solid muscle People always noticed him. He was gorgeous to as I always hear women whisper about him. I think my father was some kind of legend because when people find out he's my father, they get this excitement about them and they prune all over me.

My father was a man that needed to get noticed he was a man that had to be in control at all times and believe me if he was it ... let's just say there would be hell to pay. My mother was afraid of my father, I don't think I would ever understand as to why in till later on in my life, No at 5 I knew she was scared of him but I never knew why.

I only saw my father for about one week a year.Not sure if that was his choice of my mothers , I was 5 I didn't have the understanding in all of this mess.

This was his one week and he all ready was in a piss mood to start with. No body makes him wait and that's exactly what my aunt was doing. My aunt took my sister to the store and she was running late bringing her back. My mom stood against the wall running her hands together in a nervous way and keep looking at the front door I remember at 5 I could feel the tenseness in the room.

That was my first real good memory of my father.....

My second was in that same week, He took us camping my sister and I up at the Catskills in NY. I remember missing my mother so much and I didn't like my father 's knew wife, She kept feeding her kids cough medicine to shut them up and i knew that there was something wrong with that. Also her and my father's children were the same age as me, my Parents were married when I was born??

My father didn't like me missing my mother, because he was it the center of my universe so what does any father do... He slapped me across my face and called me a stupid bitch. Now I was told by my sister what happen next she talks about this to this day. She said that I glared at my father I didn't cry I didn't speak I just stood there with my hands in fists and glared at him. My sister said that our father got all red and walked away from me.

That was the last week I ever saw my father

2009-04-22T18:15:00.000-04:00

Where did all the childern go
Category: Art and Photography

Tara McPherson, I've always been a big fan of her. I'm actually
drinking coffee out of a mug with one of her prints on it. She's a bad
ass artist.....

On another site I've become friends with a older man who travels around
the world and writes Poetry, and articles for web site's Who goes by
the Name Jamie Mck on this web site, any way I posted up a pic that I
found online and he was very inspired that he wrote a poem for me about
the photo, I wish to share it with you.

They hang lifeless

and still

Those swings

The children's shrieks

and laughter

Just echoes now

in the fog

drifting in to take their place

The children long gone

Packed up for the long train ride

Never to return

One swing only

Stirs

As if the ghost of a child

Is pumping

Leaning back

Re-living her past

Those days before the war

There were no swings in the camp

And no time for play

As mothers went in one line

The children in another

And there was no laughter

Or joking about

Just a long line of children filing silently

Grimly

into the cement building

with its showers

and their end

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's a article that her wrote a year ago while he was in Paris....
it's sad and it has to do about the Camps in WWII and the children

I just noticed there's a ghost in that swing Picture leaning against the post did you see it ?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My daughter is sick today, I couldn't go to work, I'm about to loose
all my cooliness that I have in this madness called my life. The job is
being very understanding but for how long.

single mother hood is not a good thing...... sigh

Life is hard for me right now, I'm sure I'm not the only one, I'm sure
there is alot of people out there that do struggle. I just need help
right now and i'm not getting it from the people I need it from....

I'm poor hungry and I'm losing my apartment..... and all that happen before noon today....

But I'm not going to feel bad for myself... or least try not too!!!
It's not going to help anything at all, but make me more in a sad
mood.... Fuck !!!!! I would love just to have a break for once in my
life that's it just a break !!!! can I have that..

Sappho, a death of a family friend

2009-04-18T15:43:00.001-04:00

The sun felt really good on my skin. It felt nice to wear shorts and flip flops and feel the warm breeze on my face. Today

A friend of the family passed away early this morning. My sister's neighbor a women that we knew for so long.

I can look at her house from my sister's back yard and almost see her waving at me like she use to do before she got sick, before when I came home for school and try to hide from my family and smoke a ciggerett. She always had a can of beer in her hand and the other a joint.

She was a hippie not that much older then my own mother. A hippie that never aloud society to change her. Everyone got along with her even my mother who is a very classy lady, but she too was a hippie but society made my mother into a adult. My brother in law Jay offered me brownies that were at her house. He had this look and I froze before I got them... I knew they were hash brownies at that moment, he snickered and said they were.

I like sitting outside on a nice day, where the breeze rustles her hair and it tickles your face, and if you listen you can hear natures voices .

I'm content today,

I feel bad about not spending more time with Judy, I don't like sick people, I feel like I have a itch and I have to run away from them.I wish I could change that

Then I think though We all are unkind from time to time. We all do things that we wish we could change or undo. those regrets just become part of who we are, along with everything else. To spend time trying to change that , well, it's like chasing clouds.

Things arn't just good or bad in our selves. It's what we do with tham that makes them so.

I learned a word today ( Sapphist) which means Lesbians it's actually from the Greek name Sappho.

Sappho was a 7th century Byzantium poet, who wrote poetry, there were many written volumes of her work in many different langues. Though her Sexual Preferences were women, which no big deal right? Wrong all her books were removed many destroyed, human kind is cruel, most of her work is forever gone, lost in ashes of the past.

there are many different Translations of her work here is one that I like the most:

And by the cool stream the breeze murmurs through apple branches and slumber pours down from quivering leaves.

By the cool water the breeze murmurs, rustling
Through apple branches, while from quivering leaves
Streams down deep slumber.

talking of the nymphs , I will always favor my Norsemen but Sappho writes very beautiful

Drama on the internet

2009-04-16T08:49:00.000-04:00

Good morning !!!!
Today I awoke up at 6 am . I took a sleeping pill so I can go to bed at a good time and wake up at a good time. I'm kinda sick of being up all night . Hopefully today will be a better day for me, I'm not going out at all this week I need a brake. It's probably better that way.

In about 8 days I need to get my meds.... lol I can't afford them.... $800 is alot when you are not working. So no meds mean getting sick. So I'm not really happy for that. Something will happen I'm sure, Just have to have a good out look on things.

Rape Law Protests Turn Violent in Afghanistan.
300 women marched down the streets of Afghanistan to protest the rape law, they were stoned and beaten, many of them were murdered by there husbands after the fact.
I call them hero's they stood up for something they believed in. They new the laws and what would happen to them and they still stood tall and did what they felt was right.

It kinda makes what I'm going threw not so important.

I just saw some previews for the Game FF13 I always have been a fan of those games , I can't wait to get. but yes I need a job first. and get back on my feet first

"Hope is the dream of a soul awake" French Proverb

I've been reading a book well a small book on Soul-Lore. Which is to reference of the Tree of Life in Germanic tradition. My Ancestors had many names for Parts of the soul.
They thought that if we can return to an understanding of the workings of the timeless soul we understood life. and then we can understand who we are....

It's pretty intresting

I had some SG Drama yesterday, but I hope it's done now...lol let's hope, I was lied to and so was another person, but I'm not going to let it bring me down because just because some one has issues I"m going to stand tall and strong . and the person that lied is nothing but a shallow cock comb that would love to stab him in the throat with my clicly pen!!! Not for what he did to me but what he did to the other person.

Okay enough of that, not going to dwell on a loser.....

2009-04-14T14:47:00.000-04:00

LOL these cookies are funny !!!!!

I was called a alcoholic in another site, today, and you know what stupid People really drive me crazy as well. but just because I like to drink a couple day's a week does not make me a alcoholic ....lol I go out at times and I don't drink at all. I don't need to drink though it is fun at times but I'm not like " oh hot tea let's but whiskey in it" let's make rum cake with a whole bottle of rum, let's carry little bottles of liquer and get drunk at work... oh wait I don't have a job... well you get the idea

And I shouldn't have called some one stupid because it's not nice at all I can't spell and sometimes I feel like I"m not very bright, but people just stick there foot in there mouth all the time. So I call them stupid, though there are really smart people who can like start fires with there mind... lol how cool would that be.... you annoy me I will BURN YOU !!!!!

I read today that they started to show the waiting time frame at hospitals... So you can go to hospitals websites and see how long of a wait it will be.... hmmm I'm not sure if this is a good choice or not

I also read that KFC is changing the recipie to grilled and not fried... God NO PLEASE !!!!! I love KFC just how they are don't change a thing, it's so yummy.

Which reminds me I'm making trout cakes today... they are very good!!!!

here's a Weird story I got from the internet today

Police said a fight over flatulence in Waco, Texas, left one man stabbed and another facing an assault charge.

Police said they were called to a motel on Wednesday (local time) where several men from the Houston area were sharing a room. Police said a 35-year-old man allegedly passed gas in the room on Tuesday night.

Police said one of the other men became upset, picked up a knife and threw it at the 35-year-old man, who was cut in the leg. The suspect was accused of then stabbing the man in the chest.

The 35-year-old was taken to the hospital and police said he was treated for non-life threatening wounds.

The alleged attacker was arrested and faces an aggravated assault charge.

Okay wow, are People getting crazy in this world ? or is it just me thinking that?

I'm not a fan of daytime TV there's too many Who's my baby daddy shows on, and then I don't understand why the women are screaming and crying like it's a shock, like she didn't know what was going to happen if she slept with 89 men in one month without a condom on..... and how hell can you sleep with that many in one month what did she do get locked in a room with naked men?

sorry the blogs long but I'm trying to cut back on the blogs I write so this is number one today..

This is funny stuff lol we like tease vagina
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ER0zKTGI2g8

Alien Hand syndrome

2009-04-13T20:09:00.001-04:00

I just found this article on line about a man who had Brain Injury and suffered involuntary public masturbation episodes as a result., where he actually passed out from it.

Am J Phys Med Rehabil. 2000 Jul-Aug;79(4):395-8.
Alien hand syndrome is a perplexing and uncommon clinical diagnosis. We report an unusual
manifestation of alien hand syndrome in a 73-yr-old man with a right
anterior cerebral artery infarct affecting the right medial frontal
cortex and the anterior portion of the corpus callosum. We conclude
that alien hand syndrome should be considered in patients who present
with a feeling of alienation of one or both upper limbs accompanied by
complex purposeful involuntary movement.

but why is it only in public? I wonder I think that would be strange to see someone doing that.I'm all about masturbation but to do it to the point you pass out.... no thank you

My friends were all like Join Twitter it's so cool you need to follow us, and well I'm a sucker for things on line so I joined....

are people really that lonely first 4 hrs I had 120 people that I had no idea who they were... I felt like I was being molested
I don't care what people are doing all the time, it's nuts and then they send these emails to my email address telling me and thanking me for following them, so I started hitting block on most it's creepy

2009-04-13T05:01:00.000-04:00

I have the worst hiccups ever. They actually hurt really fuckin bad. I Tried everything to get rid of them but nothing seems to be working.......

Went out and then ended going to the diner for coffee 6 cups later and a friend getting pulled over by not one police but 3.... and I'm a little excitable!!!!!

you know I'm a nice girl, and I can put up with a lot of fucking things in my liife ...... but I can't stand those annoying people at the bar, where they drank way to much and for some reason they are still sitting and drinking holding themself up or just laying across the bar laying in a pile of there drool..... where when they try to hold a converstation with you.. there eyes can not focus and you don't know if for one talking to you or what the hell they are saying ?!!! after Mr. Drunk guy tried to hold a convo with me and I gave up about the secound time he had to reapt the sentance and I was telling him off in every way I know blunt sly in a jokiing way finaly I was just like....Sir to be quite honest with yall, the ones who know who life expectancy is shorter then the average fly making contact with its maker.. or unmaker....merg... you to hell and back with a lousy hawiian shirt.... im all outa mean. so scrag off already. or it was something like that !!! close enough right....

Damn I don't have anything else to drink,no beer no wine ,no whiskey.....ugh I just feel like I steped into the gates of firey hell, and it looks like the Price of Right game with the hoset of Michael Jackson in his post operation to fixing his nose, wait did he ever fix his nose?

I have a craving for KFC. but thery werent open . Kfc is the epidemic I swear that it is swear it,,mmmmm mash potatoe's

well I'm sure I'm borring you or annoying you so I shhould probably get off this thing

hope tomorrow I'm in a brighterte mood

pitcher's of beer and Zombies are the new Vamps

2009-04-11T14:51:00.001-04:00

This is me, I have a problem you see, not really with drinking.. I have a problem with drinking to much.. I know that does it make sense but you see for being only 84 pounds ( yes I know ) I can drink a whole hell of a lot.Even though I love love my whiskey. I can put back anything. I do come from a whole line of alcoholics. But I go out and not drink at times, I never get crazy like a sloppy drunk. I never pee on the street or have to be carried out Even once because I couldn't walk. I don't start fights and I don't go home with people. I just laugh and have fun... Yes at times I do have to tell the drunk that can't keep his hands to himself, but I"m usually a fun loving person. Easter is Tomorrow fun time with the family..sigh yea I know .... now my family they can drink, my mom hate's that I drink. I have health problems, so she's alway on my case . While she's drinking Jack and coke.... Yes mom put the bottle away while you yell at me about drinking .

Taken from the article of Time

If there's a social hierarchy among monsters, zombies are not at the top of the list. They may not even be on the list. They're not cool like werewolves. There's no Warren Zevon song about them. They're not classy like Dracula and Frankenstein, who can trace their lineage back to respectable 19th century novels. All zombies have is a bunch of George Ramero movies

But the lowly zombie is making its move. For the past few years, vampires have been the It monster, what with Twilight and all, but that's changing. Diablo Cody, of Juno fame, is producing a movie called Breathers: A Zombie's Lament, based on a new novel about life (if that's the word) as one of the walking dead. Later this year, Woody Harrelson and Abigail Breslin will star in the zom-com Zombieland. Max Brooks' best-selling zombie novel World War Z is being filmed by Marc Forster, the guy who directed Quantum of Solace. In comic books, the Marvel Zombies series features rotting, brain-eating versions of Spider-Man, Iron Man and the Hulk. The zombie video game Resident Evil 5 shipped 4 million copies during its first two weeks on the market. Michael Jackson's zombie video Thriller is coming to Broadway. (See the top 25 horror movies of all time.)

Apparently no one is safe from the shambling, newly marketable armies of the dead — not even Jane Austen. Seth Grahame-Smith is the author of a new novel called Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, about a strangely familiar English family called the Bennets that is struggling to marry off five daughters while at the same time fighting off wave after wave of relentless, remorseless undead — since, as the novel's classic first line tells us, "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains."

It's surprising how easily Austen's novel succumbs to the conventions of a zombie flick. Much of Austen's work is about using wit and charm and good manners to avoid talking about ugly realities like sex and money. In Grahame-Smith's version, zombies are just another one of those ugly realities. "What was so fun about the book is the politeness of it all," says Grahame-Smith, who's a freelance writer in Los Angeles. "They don't even like to say the word zombie, even though their country is besieged by zombies. They're everywhere, and people are literally being torn apart before their very eyes, and other than the very few, like Elizabeth Bennet, who face this problem head on, they would almost rather not talk about it."

It's not easy to put your finger on what's appealing about zombies. Vampires you can understand. They're good-looking and sophisticated and well dressed. They're immortal. Some of them have castles. You can imagine wanting to be a vampire or at least wanting to sleep with one. Nobody wants to sleep with zombies. They're hideous and mindless. They don't have superpowers. Their only assets are their infectiousness, single-minded perseverance and virtual unkillability. (See pictures of vampires' 90 years on screen.)

Nevertheless, they seem to be telling us something about the zeitgeist. Once you start looking, you see them everywhere. Who hasn't had a high school acquaintance come back from the dead as a Facebook friend or a follower on Twitter? And what monster could be better suited to our current level of ecological anxiety? Zombies are biodegradable, locally sourced and sustainable — they're made of 100% recycled human. And look out for those zombie banks, President Obama!

Let's not forget that Night of the Living Dead, the founding film of the modern zombie tradition, made its appearance in 1968 as a commentary on the Vietnam War, evoking its extreme violence and the surreal dehumanization of the combatants. Now we're locked in another prolonged, sweaty, morally ambiguous overseas conflict, and — surprise — look who's at the door again wanting to borrow a cup of brains. "We live in an age when it's very easy to be afraid of everything that's going on," Grahame-Smith says. "There are these large groups of faceless people somewhere in the world who mean to do us harm and cannot be reasoned with. Zombies are sort of familiar territory."

If there's something new about today's zombie, it's his relatability. Sure, he's an abomination and a crime against all that is good and holy. But he exemplifies some real American values too. He's plucky and tenacious — you can cut off his limbs and he'll keep on coming atcha. And he's humble. You won't find zombies swanning around and putting on airs like some other monsters I could mention. They're monsters of the people. It was the beginning of the end for vampires when Lehman Brothers went under, those bloodsucking parasites. Down with vampires. Long live (or is it die?) the zombie: the official monster of the recession.

They're Dead Sexy
1. Jane Austen, zombified.
2. Marvel Zombies turns heroes like Spider-Man into walking corpses.
3. Resident Evil 5 sends players on a zombie-killing spree.
4. The Norwegian indie Dead Snow pits med students against Nazi zombies

See the 100 best movies of all time.

See the top 10 1950s Sci-Fi movies.

**I've always been a fan of zombies even more so then Vamps, loved all those Resident Evil games. The movies on them, and books I just love them, so here here for the comback of zombies

slurpee

2009-04-11T12:29:00.000-04:00

Turns out sucking sugar through a straw increases risk of diabetes. Captain Obvious seen buying a slurpee ,

Are your childern Playing with Lucifer's Testicles?

2009-04-09T08:19:00.000-04:00

So looking over the internet I came across this book Called "Are your childern Playing with Lucifer's Testicles?" Its the truth about Easter Eggs .......by Dr. Daniel Cameroon

The Summary of the book :
Youngsters are infected by the secular filth and lies being taught by unsaved teachers in America's public school system. The book teaches parents how to easily explain to their children that Easter (as it is celebrated by the Unsaved) has absolutely nothing to do with Jesus Christ but is actually a holiday celebrating lewd and sexually explicit pagan rituals of fertility.

It went on to tell you that back then and I Quote "Easter Eggs are one of the wiliest tools of the Devil," he says. "Pagan kids didn't have anything to do on Easter Sunday because their mommies and daddies were stuck in a false temple all day, naked and writhing around with their neighbors in Satanic orgies of the flesh. You see, parents had to come up with a way to occupy their children while they were away from home, praying and fornicating under the altar of Satan. And since they didn't have babysitters back then, they gave their kids eggs to play with and sometimes paint," he says. "But the reason they chose eggs had nothing to do with any sort of fertility or fertilizers"

My thoughts
Fuck off !!!! are you serious mommies and Daddies were stuck in false temple's all day naked in orgies?! Listen I don't put any religion down you can believe what you want, and you can worship how you want but, why is it that some religions who say they are peaceful want "satanic " other religions.

Listen I'm not the brightess tool in the shed, I'm not going to pretend that I understand everything, but I did study history in school for a bit and religion always I found intersting. I mean my mother is a American Indian and my father's side are from norway different beliefs , different thoughts.

Okay back on track sorry

The History of Easter ( what I was taught)

My Grandmother and my Great grandmother use to tell me old stories from Norway that I found always attracted too. I always loved to lay at there feet and hear about a time when people belived in more then one God. It was such a harder time but yet simpler as well

One Goddess they talked about was Frigga who was also called by many names Ostra and Eastre which the name Easter comes from, I looked up the name it means "to shine or also "the dawn Goddess"

Here's a little brief description of the word Eastre -The modern English term Easter is the direct continuation of Old Easter Ēastre, which is attested from the late 9th century. Ēostre is the Northumbrian form while Ēastre is West Saxon.

Okay

Easter Customs:
In those olden days Eastre was said to be carried around by hares, and a meal was cooked and then thrown on the floor ( truthfuly I don't know why) Eggs were painted to grant Fertilaty and a good harvest as well, it was a celebration of life and a promise of something new. It was celebrated on the Spring Equinox which was in April.

Like pagans, Christians celebrate the end of death and the rebirth of life; but instead of focusing upon nature, Christians believe that Easter marks the day that Jesus Christ was resurrected after spending three days dead in his tomb.

This is just a brief history I can write pages on this subject but it would be just my opinion, and I don't want to push that on anyone, I just don't like how some People in other Religions have no idea what there talking about. Or throw the word around Like satanic becaus they don't understand something.

But If your intrested in reading that book or other books they have a book called "The little Jew, Levi the dancing Cockroach" Wow this just keeps getting better just ask and I'll give you the web site.

But you know today my daughter and I are going to paint easter eggs and I'm going to hide them and pretend I'm the easter bunny and she can find them. because it's something magical and innocent to a little child, there's nothing about me being naked and having orgies!!!

The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny.

2009-04-08T20:41:00.000-04:00

The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny.

I am very sick!! I feel like Death warmed over and I'm drenched in a gooey rich sauce.... and I don't even know what that means!!

my Throat is killing me and there's this sorta like humming going on in my head!! and a sharp ache running down my back.

I felt it coming but yet I still felt sorta happy and now I'm just miserable fuck that wants to destroy the world ( rubs hands together)

I don't want to spend this whole blog bitching about how sick I am.

I love this picture, it's done very well ,though it is creepy and I don't know what she is eating... and I don't want to ha!! My best friend called me and told me that they gave the job to someone else (????) I was confused by this I mean I thought it was in the bag. She then stated that I should have put a application in.......... umm what the hell I did, and I talked to a manager yesterday and he said that he loved my availability and they will be calling me in a couple days...... What? I told my friend that and she didn't even now I put a application in!! she went to look for it and it was burried under paper work.... what the hell..... She then told me later that noone told the big manager that I handed in my app... and she was waiting for it!! So that really sucks like really. My friend said that they might hire one more but only PT....... I can't handle not working anymore really I can't

Guess I need to find a sugar daddy...sigh..lol no kidding