we Carry this inside like a disease.....

My Grandfather, What I could remember was a big man. I don't mean big in the sense that he was over weight. He was very tall about 6'5 . His accent was still rich and he always told me stories of fair ladies and Viking wars.

He worked for 3 mile Island as a Security guard.Which is a Nuclear Plant in Harrisburg Pa. In the late 1970's there was a Scare their was almost a melt down.

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There's always that fear of childern being born with 3 arms or 2 heads when things like that happen.

Any way every morning that I saw my Grandfather or we went to vist he ate his breakfast with a tall glass of OJ, and every morning I would ask
"whatcha drinking pops" and he would answer " OJ"

Maybe at such a young age I knew he was a lier, maybe I heard the whispers from my family about what really was in the drink.

My Pops was in and out of Rehab for drinking so many times The family stopped keeping track. Of course Eventually he lost his job at 3 mile island and he would bar-tend at local pubs . Which is a perfect job for him.

I remember my grandfather going threw different colors. First when he drank he got kind of a cherry rosy red. His eyes glistens and he was always laughing those were the best times. Then when his liver stopped working he became a yellowish green color and he was a mean Son of a bitch like Oscar the grouch

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I didn't like those times. No one did.

One morning we went to vist it was during these dark times. My Grandmother was a wreck and she always had bruises on her. My mother was making breakfast and she asked me wake my grandfather up. Everyone told me that I was his favorite . He never raised his voice at me and if I walked in the room while he was degrading someone he would stop.

My grandfather's room was dark there was a light on the dresser that was on. He sat propped up on his pillow empty bottles every where. I remember with the light his skin looked very creepy almost alien like.

I don't know why I did it but I sat at next to my pops and just started talking. About everything. The drama of my stuff animals kids in my preschool. Why my mom always makes me wear a dress and so on. He just stared straight ahead, not speaking, not blinking.

I was young, I had no idea that my grandfather passed away, They said that he killed himself because he drank enough Grain Alcohol to kill a horse . But he was going to die anyways his liver didn't work .

Alcoholism runs in my family I was a alcoholic for years, my mother and my father are one as well. It is a disease . I carry it inside of you as my daughter will though I hope she has the strength not to let it consume her