where I stand with my madness

How can people ruin your life and then go on and live happy lives? How is this fair... How is it that 3 weeks went by and I have been tortured and haressed because of this group of people and I lost so many friends but yet they can still live a happy life? How is the pain they have caused me not eating at them? When if I did it to them I would feel so bad!! How can I be called a liar when I'm telling the truth!! How can so many believe this one person but not look at me and know I'm telling the truth!!! How is this fair!!! Why am I always fucking fighting for everything in life and they are always having fun and ruining others to do it!!! YOu were wrong!! you destroyed me and you go off with your lying girlfriend and lying friends and you run your mouth about me! they tell me they all tell me what she has said what you have how could you I told you the truth how could you do this to me....

No one will forget......

“There comes a time when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. So you’d better learn the sound of it. Otherwise you’ll never understand what it’s saying.”

My world is so silent right now...it's like somebody said hush and the whole world listened. To many thoughts go threw my head...To many hurts go threw my cells, You do the same things, you never remember what I did, just always what I have done to you in a bad way...When this happens you forget what you have done...Always I am on trial while you get to forget what you've done to me...I have guilt and that's not fair....Where is your guilt my friend...where is it?

Take one day at a time you say...Ha ha you are not my mate or lover.. You were a friend, and you betrayed me time and time again...I'm taking this time I'm taking this one day at a time to become stronger and not let you reach inside of me again and take everything that is me!

but I let you..that's the thing I know this I let you do this to me!!

She stepped into her house and closed the door to darkness. There was no warmth in her house it disappeared along time ago.

She flicked on the light and looked around at the untidiness that consumed her being. Most wouldn't say she was dirty, but she loved her apartment lived in. Stacks of comic books and paper books filled many corners . Half smoked cigarettes over flowed in the 1970 ashtray. She threw her keys on the couch and stepped out of her work shoes. the saying "my feet are barking " ran threw her head. She never understood that.

35 minutes later she stepped out of the shower and put on her bathrobe and stepped out in the little hallway and listened to the sounds , there was nothing. She sighed and walked into the kitchen.

She started making dinner and her phone vibrated on the table, she sighed and read it . An invite to run out for drinks. she closed the phone and set it down.While she made dinner the phone went off 5 more times and each message was different but still an invite for some drinks and each time she placed the phone down and ignored the text.

After dinner she sat with a bottle of wine and a full pack of smokes and just listened to her thoughts in her head as she twirled the smoke around her tongue like a lovers kiss.

Her phone went off again and she closed her mind and closed her eyes off from the noise. A tear escaped and she swatted it away like annoying bug. Scolding herself for letting it happen.

she wished she did not have to wait around she wished she just knew what was going on, all she had was herself, even though she put everyone before herself, This was and will be her down fall. She remembers a time not so long ago a week maybe days when she had a smile and she was controled yes but even know he is still controlling her. They were all suppose to be in this together a line was drawn and her destriction was coming.

A text came again

She felt dead inside because of them dead, but she let them

She stumbled to bed in a drunkin haze dragging her feet across the cold unfeeling floor. Tomorrow will be better she thought ....

it had to be

big nothing

A big blog of nothing,

For once I would like someone to come up to me and ask me How I"m doing...... I think this is the biggest thing I wish for.
A big blog of nothing
the big thing is ... Is that I feel like nothing and it's a horrible feeling, I hope I've never made anyone feel this way.

A month ago my BFF was killed and she will not be in this life anymore, her daughter will grow up with out a mother and father, Because her father killed my best friend. I feel selfish for being sad , I feel bad for being mad that my "friends' here don't ask if I"m ok. But really it does it matter if I'm okay right? Because there's a 7 year old with out a mother

My one "friend" needs help paying fines or he's going to jail. I've been to jail and It's not a cool place. I told him I would help him. I can't pay my rent,,but since I told him I would help him, he's talked to me every day.and he acts so interested in what I have to say. I use to talk to my bff every day. I miss her and I'm so lonely

My other "friend" use to tell me his life story, use to love how easy I was to talk to, use to search out my conversations. Now he forgets to return my texts, emails, phone calls, and acts like he does it know me. Actually he's said that, "you and I don't know each other" I asked him if something happen if I said something wrong and he tells me he's just busy. He forgets when I invite him to do things to let me know if he's going.

My other "friend" who I use to talk to all the time as well and said I was a cool ass chick, just stopped as well as returning emails ect.... When asked ... because I'm honest... I was told that my grammar and spelling is really hard to understand what I'm trying to get across. When we do talk every know and then it's about what he's going threw, and if I mention something about me or whatever, it gets completely ignored. Hence the big nothing blog.

I just want to be myself again because of all this I get really insecure when it comes to them.

I just want to stop feeling this way, I want to be that cool ass chick that everyone else thinks I am and I know I am but I can't stop this yuck insecurity that I have . I just want some one I can talk to....

Pathetic huh ?

No name

It finally stopped raining, though it's still gloomy and dark out. I wish the sun would just come out and spring would just get here!!!

I want these they are so cute:


are they not the cutest thing ever!!!

My new advice I'm following :



I hate my hair I can't do anything with it!!! It's a shag and I loved it when I first got it but I can't style it. sigh
I got it cut a week ago today. sigh,

Artwork for today :



Brian M.Viveros check him out and he has a Fan page on facebook.

Today I'm working on trying to weed out those users that some how I let in my life. Who's fault is this of course mine. I feel that I lost myself



knees are so much better today... I feel happy about that

well hope everyone else is well

it's just me with a different face

The "it" group thinks I'm someone else with a different face, it's still my personality and my same sense of humor but I have a different face.

A face that is prettier more pleasing to look at and pretend that I could be their girlfriend or wet dream.

they tell me that I have a really great personality and I'm so down to earth but when I'm just me with out that pretty face they don't talk to me.

when we all go out and I go out as me I do make them laugh, they give me high five and tell me I"m awesome and I'm great at talking to about there problems .

but when I go home I see the messages from the same "it" group telling my pretty self that they wished I was there that night and they will spend the whole night talking to my pretty self and again I will make them laugh .

being myself with a different face Proves to me that People are shallow, I get Jealous of my different face because she is gorgeous and get's more respect for that..

with a different face I'm the perfect girl

Dealing with the bad choices

I stood at my front door at 4 am with my crutch in one hand, holding it like a weapon . My other hand had my phone in it. I placed all my weight on my good knee and cracked my toes on my right leg trying to find a comfortable way to hold it.

The girl upstairs was screaming. I jumped and clenched the crutches harder as the male voice screamed again To get the fuck out , over and over again he said this as the girl screamed.

What do I do?

call the cops?
Let them go at it was he killing her. I froze in fear and not wanting to bother or really get in anyone's life. Shame on me for this.

My upstairs Neighbors were robed beat up pretty badly and was robbed and I stood in my apartment with a busted knee and did nothing. Why is this? I put myself in situations were I threw myself in things I shouldn't have why didn't I call the police? Why didn't I run upstairs and hit these stupid fucks with my crutch? Why did I think the worst Of my neighbor when he was nothing but loving to his girl and nice to me? Why did I think the worse of him and kept my mouth shut and didn't do anything?

How can I bitch about society and I've become like everyone else!! This disappoints me. I know myself, I've done mistakes in the past and I always understood them but this, this I don't get . Why would I stand around and not do anything? Even if he was hurting her why wouldn't I help?

I do know that it's over with, and I can't change or I had no control over it but I just got a glimpse of myself and I really don't like it.

The Sea of Destruction

I dreamt of a sea, that was so angry and hateful to mankind. It's dark black waters stood high in the sky's and no human could have their beach houses anymore. Most were destroyed and others rotted away.

The sands were a soft pink from the death waters. Sea life that could not survive in these water were spit out their blood mixing with the grimy sand. the stench of death and decay filled the sea air. The gulls flew over the waters they were all gone.

In the begining the people were amazed at this water and the strange creatures she would lay on the shores, Colorful shells that we as humans never thought were possiable, giant rotting starfish and other fish.

But for every "present" she left on her shores, a child a dog would be taken swallowed whole. never to be seen again.

I stood and watched the waves crashing the water's so dark it looked like black ink. Wails of hatred came from her. I was just beyond her reach. I remember in my dream I stood there with my arms crossed and my hair whipping in front of me from the wind and I stared calmly at this Sea of Destruction . I had no fear, For her. I was only curious.

Her waters came closer and I could feel the coldness from it. She let out a horrible scream as I just stood there calm.....

I then woke up, the dream even now is so vivid to me

I.....

I hate how dramatic my life is. Whiskey can not dull the pain away. I sit at the bar feeling this pain.

sounds happen all around me and my friends sound like flies buzzing in my ears

I don't truly understand what they are saying to me. I just laugh and it's a echo of my self.

They can't tell the different.

My friend is going to Jail for 5 years, For killing his best friend in a car accident. His mind is gone he cant even add two plus two together. He's so child like. He does it remember me. Someone that would stay up hours and talk to him about everything before the accident. Now I'm not even a memory to him I"m nothing.

The only time I feel like I"m in control is when Im fucking. Making the man wither underneath me feeling so powerful when he calls out my name. This is sad to me

This is not my best Just right now I don't care

A silent life

She stepped into her house and closed the door to darkness. There was no warmth in her house it disappeared along time ago.

She flicked on the light and looked around at the untidiness that consumed her being. Most wouldn't say she was dirty, but she loved her apartment lived in. Stacks of comic books and paper books filled many corners . Half smoked cigarettes over flowed in the 1970 ashtray. She threw her keys on the couch and stepped out of her work shoes. the saying "my feet are barking " ran threw her head. She never understood that.

35 minutes later she stepped out of the shower and put on her bathrobe and stepped out in the little hallway and listened to the sounds , there was nothing. She sighed and walked into the kitchen.

She started making dinner and her phone vibrated on the table, she sighed and read it . An invite to run out for drinks. she closed the phone and set it down.While she made dinner the phone went off 5 more times and each message was different but still an invite for some drinks and each time she placed the phone down and ignored the text.

After dinner she sat with a bottle of wine and a full pack of smokes and just listened to her thoughts in her head as she twirled the smoke around her tongue like a lovers kiss.

Her phone went off again and she closed her mind and closed her eyes off from the noise. A tear escaped and she swatted it away like annoying bug. Scolding herself for letting it happen.

She stumbled to bed in a drunkin haze dragging her feet across the cold unfeeling floor. Tomorrow will be better she thought ....

it had to be